Is A Smallville After All
by alexywill22
Summary: From the creators of char if you can still call it that, comes a new Smallville parodie!Review and don't kill me
1. Shirts

A/N After Charmed if you can still called if that i wanted to do something for another show and thus this was born. Mostly cause ppl still praise my Death of Lana fic even though is really old, So i'm hopid after this I can come up with more Smallville parodies! Go me!

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 1: Shirst.

(Fade in: Clark's room. Clark was standing over his closet looking rather thoughtful. Martha came in.)

MARTHA: (Always sweet) What is it, honey?

CLARK: I ripped four shirts this week. I wonder if I should bother wearing anything. It always gets ripped off.

MARTHA: Oh. I'm sure you're exaggerating.

(Suddenly, the wind blew hard and made a scissors go flying and hitting Clark, damaging the shirt. Clark gave Martha a look.)

MARTHA: Well that shut me up. Maybe you and your gang can solve the mystery.

ALEX: (Off screen.) Great! Now point more light on Clark's chest.

TOM: I feel exploited. I'm an actor, you know!

ALEX: (Off screen.) That's nice, Tom. Now could you please pour this water bottle on you?

(He does so. Close up on Clark's wet body. Slow motion. Roll credits. "Somebody save me" plays. Fade in: Talon. Lois is hanging by the counter. Several angry customers are waiting for their drinks.)

CUSTOMER: Lady, can I get my latte!

LOIS: (Reading a magazine.) I'm on my break.

(Jason and Lana stand in. I loose ratings.)

JASON: Hey, you wanna talk about the stones again? We haven't talked about them in a whole five seconds and even though there's nothing new to add we should exposition about them every chance possible.

LANA: Nah... I think I'm going to doubt your intentions again. You know, I don't really trust Lex or Clark either but for some reason I trust you less.

LOIS: (Butting in.) Maybe is his obsession with his mom.

JASON: My relationship with my mother is normal!

(Genevieve walked in.)

JASON: (Jumping in her arms.) Mommy!

LANA: Hmm... should I be jealous?

LOIS: Should I call Springer?

(Chloe walked in.)

ALEX: (Off screen.) Chloe! Sweetheart! What are you doing?

CHLOE: Coming into scene?

ALEX: (Off screen.) We don't need you this episode. Erica's here.

(Erica waved. Allison got desperate.)

CHLOE: Come on! I'll do anything! I can be an extra! I can just sit and watch!

ALEX: (Off screen.) You know the rules. When Lois is here there's no need for you unless we need you to lift Clark's self esteem.

CHLOE: I can do that!

ALEX: (Off screen.) Sorry, there's no need.

(Two thugs came in an 'escorted' her out.)

CHLOE: (Off screen.) But I'm on the opening credits! Give me anything! I'll be Pete! Look at me pointlessly exposition-ing and saying stuff like "cool" and "Where's Lana?"! WHERE'S LANA!

(Awkward beat. The cast resumed.)

GENEVIEVE: Now, son. Would you be a dear and get the stone from the girl you're dating.

JASON: Yes mommy.

(Lana looked shock/hurt. Fuck this. Isabelle took over.)

ISABELLE: Fuck. I'm back here.

JASON: Lana...

(Offended Isobelle slapped him.)

ISABELLE: Don't you ever confuse me with that whiny tramp again. (she chants something that sounds like Latin but is probably something she made up and Jason is sent flying and hits the wall.) Now if you excuse me I have to find something slut-y to wear.

(She left. Genevieve took her son and exited the Talon. Lois sighed.)

LOIS: Same old, same old.

(Lex walked.)

LEX: Is Clark here yet? We need to do our slash scene! Is in our contracts.

LOIS: I'm on my damn break.

(Clark walked in, shirtless. Drool.)

LEX: Clarkie! (He walked and hugged Clark.) Let's do our slash moment!

LOIS: Clarkie's my line, you ass!

CLARK: I can't do scenes right now... I'm... shirtless.

LOIS: Aren't you always?

LEX: Yeah, what's weird about that?

CLARK: So you guys are use to seeing me like this?

LOIS: We're in Kansas. We take our fun where we can.

CLARK: Ok. Let's do our slash scene then.

(Clark and Lex got really close and looked at each other with angst.)

ALEX: (Off screen.) Well that should do it. Cut.

(Fade to black.)

End.

A/N: I promise the next one will be better.


	2. Cameos

A/N: I need to make it clear I love Chloe but I feel ever since Lois came in her time has been cut short... it they need more spce get rid of Lana! No one will miss her... except horny nerds who love her shower scenes... curses!

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 2: Cameos.

(Fade in: Talon. Jason and Chloe were having coffee.)

JASON: You know, is weird we get so little scenes together.

CHLOE: Is not your fault. I guess I turned into Pete.

JASON: Don't say that.

CHLOE: Really?

JASON: You're not Pete. He got more screen time than you.

(Chloe controls the urges to throw her coffee at him. Lois walked in.)

LOIS: Hey guys!

CHLOE: Lois! No! That means...?

(The thugs start coming in. Chloe rushes out the back. Lois shrugged and put her apron on. Wonder Woman came in.)

LOIS: We're not open yet.

WONDER WOMAN: But-

LOIS: Listen, lady, I have stuff to do, so until I put the open sign on the door I advice to get out!

(Bart Allen walks in.)

BART: She's with me.

(Roll credits. Fade in. Lana's place. Isobelle is flipping through the channels, bored as hell.)

ISOBELLE: This century's overrated.

(Lionel walks in.)

LIONEL: Hello, hello!

ISOBELLE: (Something in Latin.)

LIONEL: AH, you must b the famous witch I heard so much about. Would you like me to betray my son by giving you info on the stones?

ISOBELLE: Do I ever!

(Cut to: Talon. Bart, Wonder woman, Green Lantern and Bruce Wayne are all hanging around. Clark walks in. Lois rushes to his side.)

CLARK: Who are all these people?

LOIS: I don't know. They said they wanted to talk to you. I'm putting their drinks on your tab.

CLARK: But-

LOIS: I would talk to you more, but I'm on my break.

(She left the room. Clark walked to the strange group of people. He saw Bart.)

CLARK: Bart?

BART: Hey, Clark, man, how's it going?

CLARK: Who are all these people?

BRUCE: The name's Wayne. Bruce Wayne.

WONDER WOMAN: (Under her breath) Show off.

BART: (To Clark.) Remember when I said we would form a League together! This is it!

(Clark stared a the group. Wonder Woman was glaring at Bruce while Green Lantern made animals shapes with his ring to past the time.)

CLARK: So this is the super-freak league?

WONDER WOMAN: I'm a goddess, damn it!

(Then Chloe rushed in and slammed the door shut.)

CHLOE: Tried to catch me, huh? I showed them.

CLARK: Chloe! Is not what it looks like!

CHLOE: You're not having lunch with a bunch of super friends. (She chuckles.) Get it? Super friends? See? Lois is not the only one who can do Superman jokes!

(Lois walks in.)

LOIS: Hey, look at all these super friends.

(The laugh track plays.)

CLARK: That was really funny.

BART: Yeah.

ALLISON: I said it like two seconds ago! I will not be faded out of this show! I know Clark's secret!

(Silence.)

LOIS: What is it?

CLARK: That's not important right now. How about we get rid of all these DC characters?

(Isobelle walks out of her place.)

ISOBELLE: Be gone!

(The pink special effect thing blows and all the cameos fade away. Unfortunately, this drained her and she reverted to Lana.)

LANA: What happened? Oh, did I pass out cause I was posses! Why must things be so cruel to me! I lost my parents! They are death! DEATH! Like the witch inside of me! I'm going to go get trapped somewhere!

(She jumped out the window. Breaking several bones. Idiot.)

LOIS: Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here...

CHLOE: You're more than welcome to leave!

LOIS: Nah!

CLARK: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do.

ALEX: (Off screen.) Ahem, Tom.

CLARK: Right.

(Clark removed his shirt. Cut to: Kent farm. A mysterious car drives in. Phoebe Halliwell walks out of it.)

PHOEBE: Cool.

(Fade to black.)

End.


	3. Sharing

A/N: Yeah. Update. The charmed one too.

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 3: Sharing.

(Fade in: Barn. Clark and Chloe are hanging.)

CLARK: We hardly do stuff together anymore.

CHLOE: Well, it has been weird ever since I faked my death and you still probably hold a grudge against me for the whole minor detail of selling you out to Lionel Luthor.

CLARK: Oh yeah.

(Phoebe walks in. In just a towel.)

PHOEBE: Clark is time for our shower!

CHLOE: What!

CLARK: I... have to go.

(Clark super speeds away with Phoebe. Roll credits. Fade in: Talon. Lois is kicking the cappuccino machine.)

LOIS: God... I'm one of the important characters in the Superman saga and I just get reduce to a maid here! Lex gets to have all of his emotional development! Lana gets all those freaking shower scenes! How many showers does a girl fucking need!

(Jason walks out of the upstairs apartment with a stone.)

JASON: Found it!

(Phoebe shimmers, in and kicks him good. She takes the stone.)

PHOEBE: Mine!

(Isobel walks in chants and throws Phoebe off the balcony. She takes the stone.)

ISOBEL: Mine!

(Clark superspeeds in and punches Lana-er, Isobel hard in the face. he takes the stone.)

CLARK: Ha! Mine!

(Lex walks in with some kryptonite and makes Clark faint. After feeling him up he takes the stone.)

LEX: Mine!

LOIS: That's it!

(Cut to: Kent living room. Jason, Phoebe, Isobel, Clark and Lex are all sitting down. Lois is pacing angrily with the stone in her hand.)

LOIS: Obviously you guys had taken this too far. I'm thereby taking this stone and I'm not giving it back until you all learn how to share!

LEX: But-

LOIS: Don't but me, Mr.! I'm talking! Mr. and Mrs. Kent let me in charge of you brats so you'll do as I say!

ISOBEL: (The Latin equivalent of bitch)

LOIS: When I google that I'm going to come back for you, Missy!

(Lois walks out of the house. Everyone looks around.)

CLARK: Lois is right-

JASON: Shut up! You're not even married yet and you're already her whipping boy!

CLARK: At least I have a normal relationship with my mother!

JASON: Don't you dare talk about my sexy mom!

LEX: My mom died...

PHOEBE: Mine too...

(They share a look. They walk to the coat closet. Oh freebie.)

LANA: Well, my parents both died.

CLARK: Damn it! She reverted back to Lana! This is your fault, Jason!

JASON: Me? Who's the stupid alien who cause all of this to happened!

(Clark uses his heat rays on Jason and sets him on fire. Jason runs around trying to put it out. Lana reverts to Isobel and laughs loud. Lex and Phoebe walked out very flushed.)

CLARK: (Hurt) Lex!

LEX: Baby, is not what it looks like!

PHOEBE: I have sex with him!

(Shelby watches from the stairs and shakes his head.)

SHELBY: Ugh. People...

(Lionel walks in.)

LIONEL: Hello!

LEX: Dad, get out!

LIONEL: But, son, I've changed! Really!

LEX: Lois took the stone.

LIONEL: Oh... well, I'll be going.

(He rushes out. Clark scoffs off to his room. Lex follows. Jason has put the fire out and sits next to Isobel. Phoebe looks at Shelby.)

PHOBE: Who's the lovely puppy! Come to mama!

(Shelby ignores her and walks out. Jason looks at Isobel.)

JASON: So...

ISOBEL: Yeah...

JASON: How does Lana really think I'm in bed?

ISOBEL: You guys haven't slept together.

JASON: That she's aware of.

ISOBEL: Oh gross. Incinte!

(Jason is set on fire again.)

ISOBEL: Come on, Phoebe. Let's go be wicked evil!

PHOEBE: K.

(They leave. Cut to the Talon. Lois explains to Chloe.)

LOIS: Honestly, I hate them all.

CHLOE: Well, at least you were on this episode longer than me.

LOIS: Yeah... well, I have to work. See you later, Pete.

(Lois walks to the back. Chloe knocks her head against the counter.)

(Fade to black.)

End.


	4. Shower

A/N: I'm going to jump start this to season 5 already since I have the hots for Aquaman. Hmm. Aquaman.

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 4: Shower.

(Fade in: Everyone is inexplicably and conveniently in the Talon.)

CLARK: Why are we all here?

LOIS: I don't know, but I might like to point out I'm on my break.

CHLOE: Well, this is awkward. I mean, there's so much tension between all of us.

ISABELLE: I want to kill you all, yes.

LEX: Well, there has to be a reason.

ALEX: (Off screen.) There is, you dumb "actors". I'm doing the finale parody today, so I wanted to give you the head ups. CUE ROCKS!

(Suddenly a bunch of rocks start falling on them. They all run. Roll credits. Fade in: Smallville. The meteor shower from the finale… looks nothing like this. Sue me, I'm low on budget. Is just my crew throwing rocks at the extras and a cheesy smoke machine stolen from some 80's video. Cut to: A Field. Lana and Phoebe are trying not to get hit. And my stupid crew is missing them.)

PHOEBE: Let's try to go this way!

LANA: Ok!

(They turned and a huge helicopter falls on them. Then both Phoebe and the Isabelle tattoo fade away. But don't worry. I had plans for them. Lana, only hurt her leg so she tries to get up.)

LANA: Ow… pain hurts.

(Cut to: Kent farm. The Kents are not there but Jason is. One of my crew members hits him good. He falls. Then Jared Pali… Paled… the annoying tall guy who played Dean on the Gilmore Girls walked up to him.)

JASON: Am I dead?

JARED: If you wanna star with me in Supernatural, yes you are.

(So Jason dies and Jensen gets up and leaves with Jared. Wait! Did he just quit my show taking advantage of the vaguely defined fate of his character? That's rude. Cut to: Caves. Chloe is stalling Lex from looking on what Clark is doing at the end of the cave.)

LEX: Chloe! Get out! I wanna see Clark!

CHLOE: But… um… did you hear that Katy Holmes's pregnant?

LEX: Um, hello? I watch E!

CHLOE: Wow. Cool, I never thought a millionaire future villain had time to watch TV.

LEX: Well, I try…

(Suddenly in a display of lights Clark is all absorb away. So is Chloe for some reason. Lex, alone, goes back to his big ass mansion. Cut to: Hospital. The Kents are there with Lois.)

LOIS: Well, how good that you all made it.

MARTHA: So sad about Jason, though.

JONATHAN: Yeah, sad.

(BOOM! A huge black spaceship crashes on the wall. Lana is limping behind it. Two weird looking dudes walk out. One will be known as Forrest, since that was his name in Buffy. The other will be known as Rain. Cause it makes sense to call her that now.)

FORREST: Where is Kal-El?

RAIN: (Pointing to Lana) And why is this following us?

LANA: You guys can explain my tattoo!

LOIS: What tattoo?

(Lana looks and sees it's gone. She goes into super Lana crying mode.)

LANA: Now Isabelle left me too! Oh why do people leave me! Like my dead parents did! They're dead! Cause they died!

(Rain decks Lana. Everyone applauds her.)

RAIN: Well, if was only a matter of time.

FORREST: Now that we're done stalling, can one of you take us to Kal-El.

MARTHA: Lois, honey, why don't you show these people where to find Kal-El.

LOIS: What? Why do I have to cover up for Clark? I don't even know he's Kal-El yet!

JONATHAN: You were the one asking for a more meaningful story.

LOIS: Fine. Follow me crazy aliens who seem to be able to speak perfect English.

FORREST: Don't blame us, blame the comics.

(Cut to: Fortress of solitude. Chloe has pretty much frozen to death.)

CHLOE: It's happening… I'm being killed off… like Whitney… and Pete.

CLARK: Pete's alive.

CHLOE: He might as well be dead.

(Clark walks around when the great voice of Jor-El booms.)

JOR-EL: (Voice Over.) Oh, Kal, I wasn't expecting you so soon. I hope you don't mind the mess.

CLARK: It's ok. Um… I did what you asked me, with the stone and whatnot. Can you help me fight the new evil now?

JOR-EL: (Voice Over.) Well, sure. But you'll have to stay here training.

CLARK: No! I'm not following your orders!

JOR-El: (Voice Over.) But you just said-

CHLOE: Can one of you get me a fucking blanket or you know kill me so my pain stops!

(Cut to: Talon. Genevieve and Lionel had apparently forgotten what they were supposed to be doing. Lana limps in and shoots Genevieve with a shotgun.)

LIONEL: Ms. Lang, I was having a conversation with her.

LANA: I forgot I had to kill her. I didn't mean to be rude.

LIONEL: Well, it doesn't matter. The Teagues are officially erased from our minds now. Let's pretend they never existed.

(They both nod. Lionel goes into a shock state. Lana cries some more over how people abandoned her and jumps out the window… even though the door was open. Moron. Cut to: Smallville down town. Lois shows the aliens around.)

LOIS: And here's the flower shop, and over there you can buy the best ice scream.

RAIN: Man, this place sucks.

LOIS: Yeah… but I can't leave, I'm being added to the credits now. Plus, I get to make out with Aquaman so it all evens out.

RAIN: Sweet.

FORREST: Can we go to Kal-El now!

LOIS: Ok, ok,keep your metallic bra.

(Fade to black.)

To be continued...


	5. Clana

A/N: This episode was way overdue... lol sorry.

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 5: Clana.

(Fade in: Talon. Lois is moving her stuff to the upstairs apartment. Chloe is helping her.)

CHLOE: So, where's Lana staying now?

LOIS: Um, who cares?

CHLOE: Good point. So what happened to the alien dudes?

LOIS: I sent them to a place they would feel more comfortable.

(Cut to: Newport. Ryan and Marissa run like hell from Rain and Forrest. Lucky for them, Seth and Summer arrived riding Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle. They rescue Ryan and fly away. Marissa dies a fairly horrible death. No one cares. Ahem. Cut back to the Talon.)

LOIS: So, Lana and Clark are dating now?

CHLOE: Well, Clark lost his powers-

LOIS: His what?

CHLOE: Um… Roll credits!

(Roll credits. Fade in: Barn. Clark and Lana are about to get bumpy and grind-y. Well, it's kind of hard for them since the whole cast is watching.)

CLARK: Maybe we should wait-

LANA: (Ala ho.) We've been waiting for four years! Let's get it on.

ALEX: (Off screen.) Come on, you pieces of eye candy! Do what you do best and gets naked!

ERICA: (Off screen.) This is so retarded. Get it on already.

MICHAEL: (Off screen.) I thought Lex was the one that was going to take Clark's virtue.

ALLISON: (Off screen.) Ew, don't call it that.

ANNETTE: (Off screen.) It's so cute. Their first sex scene.

JOHN S: (Off screen.) Go get her, Tom.

JOHN G: (Off screen.) Ah to be young and good looking.

TOM: Would you guys be quiet!

(Everyone mumbles and shuts up. Clark and Lana get naked and crawled under the sheets. Cheesy virginity loosing music is played. Slow motioning ensues. Lots of heavy making out shots. Teasing gazes of Kristin's backside. Over-abused shots of Tom's panting chest.)

ERICA: (Off screen.) And to think that one day I'm going to hit that.

ALLISON: (Off screen.) Like the show will last that long…

ALL: (Off screen.) Shut up, Pete!

(The screen gets fogged and we fade to the aftermath of hot teen sex. Lana is wrapped around Clark. For some reason Michael can be heard grunting through this entire scene.)

LANA: Wow… that was wow.

MICHAEL: (Off screen.) Grr…

CLARK: I know. I'm no longer a virgin! Woo!

MICHAEL: (Off screen.) Grr…

LANA: Clark, promise me you won't ever leave me. Like my dead parents. Who are dead. Cause they died.

MICHAEL: (Off screen.) He's mine you bitch.

ALEX: (Off screen.) Michael!

MICHAEL: (Off screen.) I've been dancing around Tom for four years too and I'm not getting a sex scene!

ALEX: (Off screen.) Clark and Lex don't get it on in the comics!

MICHEAL: (Off screen.) This thing does not follow the comics! I mean, Pete would marry Lana if that were true!

SAM: (Off screen.) Is that true?

ALLISON: (Off screen.) Sam! You're not here for your job right? Cause that's mine now.

SAM: (Off screen.) I was just visiting.

TOM: You guys are not making it easy for us.

ALEX: (Off screen.) I'm handling it, Tom!

(Suddenly Lex steps into scene throws Lana out the window. A loud thud is heard. Lex and Clark start to make out. Michael takes off his shirt to reveal his hairy chest.)

ALEX: (Off screen.) Michael! You're not supposed to get naked until you wax your chest! Damn it! Lex has no hair!

(Erica stepped into scene and throws Lex out the window. Another thud is heard followed by a yelp from Lana.)

LOIS: Let's get it on, Smallville. (She takes a peak under the covers.) Make that REALLY Bigville.

(Long awkward pause while everyone takes a moment to repress that cheesy joke.)

CLARK: Um… thanks, Lois, but I think I'm not ready to do it with you.

LOIS: Don't make get another boyfriend.

CLARK: Come on! This is Kansas. Who are you going to find that's a better piece of ass than me?

(Cut to: Talon. Lois and AC are there having coffee as Clark glares seeming a bit jealous. But the great news is he's totally ignoring Lana who's in yet another helpless situation. Well, she's choking. Lol stupid ho.)

CLARK: (Mocking voice.) Ooh look I can swim faster than a speeding bullet. (Normal, to Lana.) What does she see in him?

LANA: (Hardly breathing.) help…

CLARK: Exactly. She needs help dumping that guy.

(Clark walks over and gives AC and angry glare and he just gives him his ever so sexy smile. Lois smiles at the scene.)

LOIS: Beat it, Smallville. You had your chance.

AC: Yeah, bro. I'm hitting this now, bro. So beat it, bro. (Pause.) Bro.

LOIS: Aw, I love this man.

(They make out. Clark fumes and slips out of the room. Cut to Lois's apartment Lex is there with Spike.. I mean, Braniac… Er, Milton (so) Fine.)

MILTON: Mr. Kent, so glad you could join us.

CLARK: What are you two doing here?

LEX: Arguing your future mostly. (He walks to Clark and snuggles him.) You ok, baby?

ALEX: (Off screen.) Michael, if you want to date Tom do it on your time.

(Lex pulls away. Lois and AC walked in, still making out and they proceed to have sex on the kitchen counter.)

JAMES: I hate WB shows…

(Fade to black.)

End.


	6. Spuffy

A/N: Update. You made have to read Charmed! if you can still call it that... for a future plot.

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 6: Spuffy.

(Teaser: Cemetery. Clark and Chloe are wandering around.)

CLARK: I'm so piss that I got my powers back. Now I have to watch myself with Lana.

CHLOE: That was like months ago, can we talk about something interesting. Like, your girlfriend turning into a member of the evil undead? (She held out her stake to illustrate her point.) We have to stop her before she kills!

CLARK: You're asking me to kill the love of my life.

CHLOE: We're killing Lex now?

(Clark blush a bright red, but didn't correct her. Suddenly a Vampire lounge at them from a nearby tomb. Chloe ducked while Clark used his Sexually Stimulated Heat Rays™ to try and attack him. He missed him slightly and got an angry Vamp on his stomach pummeling him. As expected, the Vampire tore at his shirt till it was ripped opened and Clark exposed his Chest. Hey, it has its own contract! Clark used his Super-Strength to push the Vamp off him. The Vamp whirls in the air and lands on a tree. Clark gets up and it's about to use his Super Rocket Launching Fart Of Doom™ (_It so looks like that! Lol-Alex.-),_ when suddenly the vamp is hit with a stake in the back and turns into ashes. Clark turns to where the stake came from and saw a small Blonde woman with a piss off look. Chloe scampers back into scene to watch.)

CLARK: Who are you?

BUFFY: I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer.

(Roll credits. Fade in: Same place we left them. Buffy walked over to Clark and gave him a look.)

BUFFY: What are you? Are you a vampire? (She paused and examining his naked chest.) Hmm, slaying sure does make a slayer horny. (_See Faith- Buffy the Vampire Slayer-Alex.-)_Um, do you want to go have a quickie by that tree?

CHLOE: I'm like standing right here!

BUFFY: Sorry. I don't go that way. No matter how many Fanfiction says otherwise. But I have a lesbian gay witch lesbian friend that might help you.

CLARK: (Taking a shirt out of his backpack and putting it on.) We're too busy. We're looking for my girlfriend. Who's also a vampire.

BUFFY: (To Clark, stroking her stake in a Un-WB like way.) Isn't vampire sex just the best? That cool dead lifeless body creeping on your flesh and banging in you for five hour straight. (_See Season 6 Buffy. On second thought, don't.-Alex.-)_ And filling your insides with his cold undead seed juicy juice-

(Buffy stopped as she saw the disgusted faces on Clark and Chloe. Lois scampered in with Professor Milton "Spiky" So Fine in her left arm. Buffy's jaw dropped.)

CLARK: Professor! What are you doing here? (Turning into jealous Clark.) With Lois.

LOIS: Stop with the brother act already, Smallville. I told you I was going to get another guy after you denied me your Super-Sex.

CHLOE: I thought you were dating, AC?

LOIS: There's only so much "bro's" a girl can take before sending his ass to the sea.

CLARK: So now you're dating my 47 year old History teacher?

LOIS: You say it like it's a bad thing! Honestly, if I didn't know better, I've say you were jealous.

CHLOE: (To herself.) Oh, more of this Lois and Clark punning and joking… just great…

CLARK: You're annoying, foulmouthed and won't seem to shut up! I'm so not jealous! I pity the man that would be stupid enough to marry you!

LOIS: Well, at least I can get some without having to wait FIVE seasons for sex!

CHLOE: Guys! (The two turned to see her.) Look!

(They turned to see Buffy and Milton arguing too.)

BUFFY: Where the fuck have you been all this time? And what the fuck happen to your hair? And you're sexy British accent!

MILTON: Buffy, calm the bloody 'ell down… (He pauses.) Bloody 'ell… oh no! I'm turning! (He goes all Super Saiyan See DBZ-Alex.- and his hair turns Blonde.) Damn you, slayer. You made me revert back to my other evil persona!

BUFFY: What do you mean "evil"? You have a soul!

SPIKE: Not any bloody more. Thanks to my other persona, I lost my soul. (He reverts back to Milton.) I'm Braniac after all.

(Clark twitches for some reason. Chloe takes the center.)

CHLOE: Guys, listen! We need to focus on Lana! She's all Vampire Evil Lesbian Tendencies Lana™! She needs to be stop.

CLARK: Yeah, but how do we stop her without killing her?

LOIS: Why can't we kill her?

(Pause.)

CLARK: Cause she's the only one who will have sex with me. If we kill her who on the show will sleep with me?

(The sounds of a Speeding Horny Young Millionaire Soon Turning Evil Bald Playboy™ could be heard and in a cloud of smoke Lex Luthor panted his way to the cemetery and stammered over to Clark, clinging on his waist.)

LEX: (Catching his breath.) Me… pick me…

CLARK: Baby… (He picks him up and snuggles him.) You didn't have to run just for me.

LEX: I'd do anything for you. Except turn good.

(Clark pushes him off and pouts. Lex pouts too. Lois rolls her eyes.)

LOIS: Can we go now? Cause, I don't know about you two, but a cemetery doesn't seem like a great romantic spot.

CHLOE: Tell that to your date and the horny Vampire Slayer.

(Chloe pointed to Milton and Buffy going at it like to lust bunnies in full heat. _(Again, you can go see Buffy season 6 for a better view of this, but if you're not a fan of pseudo soft core porn then don't bother.-Alex.-)_ Lois turned her heels and headed out, but got suddenly slammed to the ground by Vamp Lana. Everyone frost. Except for the sex buddies going at it at a tree._ (This happened in Dead Things. On top of Dawn's dinner. Ew.-Alex.-)_ Chloe grabbed her staked and went to attack Lana, but the Vamp Bitch kicked her on the side. She got thrown in a nearby opened grave. The tomb read 'Here lies Pete – He was only useful for exposition.' Cut to Clark, who is now on full fight with the Evil vampire hag. He swings her around like a rag doll and then produces a stake lunging it in her heart I fell asleep watching this Episode, and I still haven't seen how Vamp Lana is no more. But this way is how I like to think it ended.-Alex.- In an agonizing scream Lana burst into flame. The fire slowly pealing at her skin as her lungs filled with blood making her choked. After 45 minutes or so of pain and torment, accompanied by the kicks and spits from the others, Lana exploded into a million particles that evaporated.)

CLARK: I guess that's the end of Lana. Unless there's something that can bring her back…

(Everyone stood silent. Cut to: Halliwell Manor – San Francisco - Foyer. In a table lays the Orb of Thesula with the Soul of Countess Isobel _(Would someone tell me whether it's Isabelle or Isobel already, I'm so can know if I got it right!-Alex.-) _Theroux twitches a red glow.)

(Fade to black.)

End.


	7. KDawg

A/N: Due to someone pointing out that I only seen to be writing about sex (Not true! i can help it, this is a WB show after all.) Today's episode will include no sex at all. To make sure of this Clark's chest will not be on this episode.

C. CHEST: What! You can't do this to me! I put Smallville on the map!

Bite me! You had your chance.

Anyway, tonight's episode is all about cute Shelby! So as the other cast members take a back seat and complain to their agents let us enjoy Shelby's wacky point of view of the world!

Title: Is A Smallville After All.

Episode 7: K-Dawg.

(Teaser: open on the Kent Farm. Pan across to the house where the sounds of doggy grunts are heard. Cut to inside the Kent house. Shelby is laid on the stairs step trying to find a comfy position to take his afternoon nap. He's having trouble finding it since there's a noise coming from upstairs distracting him.)

CLARK: (Off-screen.) My humps! My humps, my humps, my humps! You love my lady lumps! In the back and on the front!

(With an annoyed doggie glare he hops off the steps heading for the kitchen. He walks towards the fridge and opens it taking a can of beer out with his paws and opening it. Aw. He begins to sip bitterly as he mutters something about Clark's Fergie imitation. Then a sudden crashing sound is heard outside. Shelby walks to the door and does a spit-take. Cut to outside. A Diamond Kryptonian Spaceship landed on the front yard. Shelby walks uneasily outside the house and stares at the alien spacecraft. The lid opens and a white dog wearing cool futuristic glasses and a collar with the "S" looking symbol of Krypton. The dog walks out of the ship and takes a look around.)

KRYPTO: K-Dawg in da house!

SHELBY: Oh bloody hell…

(Roll credits. Note: almost everyone here will not appear on today's episode. Fade in: Where we left off. Shelby stares at the white dog which is obviously the REAL Krypto. So people can stop whining how they got the dog wrong already when no one said that Shelby was supposed to be Krypto. Jeez. Anyway, Shelby stares at Krypto who returns him a doggie grin.)

KRYPTO: Yo, dawg, how's it hangin'?

SHELBY: It's not, actually.

(Shelby's been fixed. Poor thing. Lol)

KRIPTO: That's cold, dawg. Dayum.

SHELBY: Yeah… can I help you with something?

KRYPTO: Word! I was lookin' fo' my old home boy. He goes by Kal.

SHELBY: I'm afraid I don't know who you're referring to.

KRYPTO: Jeez, dawg, come on! I know my boy's here, 'aight? My ride was designed to track my boy down, yo.

SHELBY: Um… listen. I don't want to be rude or anything, but the only kid here is my kid, so you might want to go somewhere that's, you know, else.

(Krypto takes off his glasses with his right paw and leers at Shelby. For his part the yellow lab gets a little worried puppy dog stare. Aw.)

KRYPTO: Bro, you don' want to mess with K-Dawg.

SHELBY: Hey, let's just calm down here. I'm just saying that this family has a dog already and-

KRYPTO: Yo, shut your mouth or I'll cut you, biatch.

SHELBY: What did you just call me?

(Pause.)

KRYPTO: I call you my biatch, biatch.

(Shelby head-butts him using his Kryptonite-induced super-strength. Note: In my show he still can tap into his meteor powers. Krypto flies off and crashes near the house. Why is Clark not hearing it?)

CLARK: (Off-screen.) Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

(Enough said. Krypto gets to his paws and glares angrily at the yellow lab.)

KRYPTO: Oh no you di-int.

SHELBY: I so did!

KRYPTO: You wanna fight, biatch? Bring it!

SHELBY: Oh it's already been broughtn it!

(I love that movie. Sue me. Wait! No! Don't sue!)

KRYPTO: That's it!

(Krypto starts his own version of the Super Rocket Launching Fart Of Doom™. He propels towards Shelby at top speed. Slow motion time! In super slow motion Shelby back-flips away just as Krypto crashes into the Old Much Abused Blue Kent Love Wagon™ destroying it into many tiny pieces. Resume normal motion.)

SHELBY: Damn we just got that fixed!

(The laugh track plays.)

KRYPTO: Ah hell no!

(Krypto Super-Speeds to Shelby and tackles him down. Then the Bitch fight begins when they start claw at each other like two street hookers fighting for their spot in the corner of Prescott Street. Damn. And I promised myself I wouldn't do Charmed spoilers. Shelby pushes Krypto off him. Then the two canines stare and circle each other.)

KRYPTO: You goin' down.

SHELBY: You're all bark no bite, pal.

(Then Chloe's car pulls over and the most perfect and flawless character of this show ever gets out, her beautiful blonde hairs flowing graciously in the warm Kansas' breeze. Ok, so it's obvious who's my favorite. Lois also walks out of the car.)

LOIS: So we're dropping these off and then going to the movies, right? I don't want to spend more time with Farm-boy than I need to.

CHLOE: Don't worry. I'll just hand him the books and we're out of here, so spare me the cute Pre-Lois & Clark banter.

LOIS: What is that supposed to mean?

CHLOE: It means you should read the comics.

(They stroll over to the fence an see the mess and the two dogs, who are sitting and wagging there tails at the two sassy ladies.)

LOIS: Ok, I know we're in Smallville, but this is creepy.

CHLOE: I didn't know Clark got another dog.

LOIS: Whoa, what happened here?

CHLOE: As you said, we're in Smallville.

(The two coolest characters go inside. Krypto turns to Shelby.)

KRYPTO: Dayum, K-Dawg wants to get some of that tail.

SHELBY: You want to live with one of them?

KRYTO: Hell yeah.

SHELBY: I'll give you there addresses if you promise to never come back here again.

KRYPTO: You got yourself a deal, dawg.

(They shake paws. Aw. Cut to: Kent stairs. Night. Shelby lies there happily. Martha and Clark are sitting at the kitchen counter.)

MARTHA: How cute.

CLARK: Yeah, being a dog sure must be easy.

(Shelby hears this and flips Clark off. As the two Kent's stare in shocked of their pet's actions, Shelby walks up the stairs.)

(Fade to black.)

End.


End file.
